It all started in the ninth grade. There may have been friendship and even some kind of mutual attraction, but the truth is, any stuff like that which goes on in junior high (middle school) is just children playing games.
I had an obsession, but I want to try and make it clear that under a strict definition I wasn’t a stalker. I did write a few letters over the space of almost 40 years now, but that ended a long time ago. I don’t like to call my feelings love and I don’t like to call my actions stalking. The truth is though, if you follow popular culture enough, you will see often times when a character has a love interest, pursues a member of the opposite sex and they convince the person to fall in love with them, or a massive back story is made up where the couple have always loved each other and just needed to get over a few complications. The simple truth for me is, I was extremely mentally ill at times, certainly feeling isolated and depressed, and I thought there was no one in the world that could care for me or want to be with me.
This is one of the great things about being in my 50s. Relationships are so much easier now, but I have to watch my thoughts and actions carefully. One of my biggest regrets was thinking a friendship a couple of years back that started at work could have gone any further.
It really hurts when a person feels a certain way about someone, but that other person doesn’t see past their illness (in my case schizoaffective disorder) and will simply never change their mind about the person.
I am so lucky to live in times like these. I get support and medication on a regular basis. The medication, which consists of a few doses each day plus a shot every two weeks works incredibly well for me.
Things aren’t perfect. I have an uphill battle trying to hide the shaking in my hands or my hyper-vigilance. What I wanted to say is that no matter how far you may have gone or how difficult your life seems, it will never be worth it to stop treatment for a major mental illness. Stopping treatment and living in a state of psychosis is not only difficult and even disturbing, each time you go off meds you will face the reality of having brain damage and also your medication may need to be increased a great deal to do the same job before your break from it.
For caregivers, though it may seem cruel, I have heard of some people taking a person when they are ill (of course taking privacy laws and moral responsibility into account) and recording a conversation with them, then showing it to them when they are back to baseline. It can be disturbing, but if carefully and respectfully done, it may help the person to understand the importance of their treatment.
Well good readers and good listeners. I think I will log off from there. As a quick update I am having a wonderful time consuming library materials, from graphic novels to university lectures on DVD, and even an audiobook in CD form that I listened to on a long drive in the country. Couldn’t ask for much more than all that!
Share this post