Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so
-William Shakespeare
So, sometimes I wonder how I got to be so naive. I have even had people point it out to me. Perhaps it comes with a resolution I made many years ago that I will always use the fact that most judgements in life are not really based on any hard and fast golden rules, but in fact they are comparisons to other things we have experienced.
One way of describing this concept, which is the key to my optimism and could be my downfall from being too innocent is something a friend said: “Canadian summer makes me appreciate winter, and Canadian winter makes me appreciate summer.”
I have another joke I like to make about my optimism, I like to say that if anyone told me that without a doubt, I was going to die on Sunday, I would let out a cheer because this week, I wouldn’t have to do laundry on Saturday for once.
There is a way that our society looks at some of these pseudo philosophical ideas. If a woman gets a divorce from her husband, and the husband is ordered to pay alimony, thte payments would be based not just on what the husband can afford, but it will be based on the standard of living the woman (or man, this is the 21st century!) has become accustomed to. It seems unfair, but I know many people who are extremely bitter late in life that they once had a job that allowed them all the things and all the freedoms they wanted. Then they get injured on the job, possibly given a small disability pension, and left to live with possible physical pain and the ravages of time.
In the podcast, I mention a few females that were in my life, going back as far as my elementary school days. I can sometimes hardly believe that as a child I considered girls to be a nuisance, despite that I had a fantastic relationship with my older sister.
Perhaps it had to do with my severe depression as a child. One might speculate that the one thing, as a mostly healthy young boy, was to have a girlfriend who I could spend time with, and relate to, kiss now and then, and even have the possibility of having a deeper physical relationship. But my depression kept me firmly locked inside my own mind.
I should say here that Air Cadets helped me and hurt me at the same time. Though they were never allowed to say it, they wanted us to grow up to be natural born killers, and so many of us went into military careers, some of them doing just that. But what cadets did give me was leadership training and public speaking skills, along with teaching me to play drums, shoot rifles and fly gliders. The public speaking skills was a huge thing for me. It helped with my interpersonal communication and allowed me to be able to talk to crowds. What is a bit sad is that a short time after I stopped attending cadets, I seemed to lose all my social skills. I have a devastating memory of having to give a talk about modern music in English class and being so wracked with anxiety that I couldn’t even speak when one of my classmates told me he liked the song I played and what I had to say about it.
So what I ended up doing, after a brief 38 year hiatus, was to join Toastmasters. This was the greatest thing I have ever done aside from quitting smoking. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but I have been thinking about how I have worked for so long in the mental health field that I could likely be able to start a social services agency of some type with my skills and lived experience.
But the truth is, I am happy with the way life is. I have troubles sleeping, inflation is completely taking the wind out of my sails, but I have a job I love with the Schizophrenia Society which is incredibly rewarding and brings in just enough for groceries each week.
Well dear readers, I apologize but I am becoming completely worn out, having missed sleep two nights in a row. All of you take care and reach out any time you like.
leif.n.gregersen@gmail.com
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